Category Archives: Thoughts

To you my readers, my deepest secrets…

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Humor, Mania, Mental Illness, Resources, Suicide, Thoughts by

It’s funny, but I am able to tell my deepest secrets to my readers. I feel like my closest friends do not even listen unless we make the whole story about them. And sometimes during my conversations with one or two of them, during my lowest points, he or she switches the topic back to him or her. Maybe I need friends who are better listeners, or maybe I need to be a better communicator. What are the rules of conversation? And do we always have to pay a psychologist to be our captive audience?

Five Days In Wonderland

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Mania, Mental Illness, Resources, Suicide, Thoughts by

Wow, it’s been five days since I have blogged. Well, I suppose I had to give my relationships a chance for a whole. I feel guilty, like I am escaping from my misery and that is just not allowed. Misery aside, I still have trouble feeling anything. Does anyone else feel like they are on the outside looking in? Does anyone else feel like he or she knows there is beauty and wonder in the world, but we just cannot seem to make it to Wonderland?

Was my journey into mania actually one that gave me a glimpse of Wonderland? I still utterly dread mornings. I still panic at the thought of what to do all day. I still wait for and wish for A CAUSE for some kind of effect. Why do bipolar people relish the rush of manic episodes? It’s a temporary lapse into madness for me–but I still have bulletproof emotional control. My psychologist says it is the meds.

I don’t know what has dimmed my emotions so much. I do feel other people’s pain, but I want to feel love as well. My current romantic interest is asking “what are we” and “where is this going” and I do not know how to answer. We have only been back dating for two weeks, so isn’t that a premature question? I feel FOR people, but I don’t feel the emotions toward them like I used to. I remember initially meeting people when I was manic. I seemed to fall in love very quickly, and very passionately! Is that a) normal b) bipolar over sensitivity or c) just careless?

Will I ever make it back I wonder.

What About Love?

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Mania, Mental Illness, Suicide, Thoughts by

Today is one of those days when I wanted to “not be alive.” I don’t know if that counts as being suicidal or not. I’ll have to ask Dr. M, since I am writing this in the lobby of his office while waiting for appointment number three. I feel the lowest I have felt in weeks and I don’t know why. Sadness is all I feel. Is that really even an emotion? And if it is, then am I feeling something? Why can I not feel love? Why can I not feel joy? Is it my impending neuropsychological evaluation that has me so down?

I have been back with the guy I used to date. We have a blast together but as time passes he gets more intimate and will eventually want sex. I shot myself with 400mg of hormones and zilch…no reaction yet. The shot would make anybody else crazy horny, but not me, not yet. Dear God, please make me normal again. Please make me horny. Please make my partner understand.

Dear God, please make me feel love again. Without the good emotions, why should I suffer the bad ones? I think of this as punishment, as retribution of some sort from God or the Universe. How can I not even feel anger, or rage? How can I not see beauty in a waterway filled with little villas and boats? Will I ever get my groove back?

Did I Miss Part of My Childhood?

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Mania, Mental Illness, Thoughts by

I came across a book in the thrift store by Kirk Douglas called “Let’s Face It: 90 Years of Living, Loving, and Learning.” It was amazing to see someone with such a full life, and even more anazing to learn that he is Jewish. I somehow always envied that religion; Jews are such a cohesive, unified culture with so much rich tradition. I never had that as a child. I don’t even know if I can read the book by Douglas, remembering my childhood. I wanted to be something–something with tradition and bonds to people.

But my parents were not religious, had very few passions other than each other, and never really fostered or encouraged our growth in any areas. Fact is, my deperate yearning for attention resulted in me excelling in almost everything. But I did have one singular passion: photography. During my bipolar meltdown I somehow lost that passion–one I have had since I was 8 years old.

My childhood other than that was just average. There were no major high points, and no major low points. My parents really never gave us traditions or family linkage. Did I miss out on “heritage”? Is that why now my mind and soul feels so restless and so yearning for “something to belong to.” Or am I lucky to not have had abuse, addiction, poverty –all great motivators for changing your life.

I wonder if when I am 90 I will have anything great to write in a book. That’s what makes me sad, and want for more. Is it wrong to want more, and even more wrong to not know what ai want?

Rubber band Man

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Mania, Mental Illness, Thoughts by

Anxiety plagues most bipolar people, adding an extra stomach twister to an already twisted experience. I don’t know what caused my attack on Tuesday, but I was actually relieved to have it during my session with Dr. John M.,the new psychologist. He asked what I was anxious about. I said, “everything right now.” My mind was zipping through my entire life and all my imperfections. I’m an OCD perfectionist, and that attribute makes anything in your life that goes wrong a life threatening issue. And that’s how I punish myself with anxiety.

Yep, he said I punish myself and I am making myself sick over all the past mistakes and current decisions. “Make decisions, and do what YOU want, ” he said. “Stop trying to please everyone else.” He said I need to learn to ve my own best friend, and up until a few months, I was! I Cannot remember when I stopped liking my alone time. Was I delusional then and that’s why I felt so comfortable.

My anxiety reached a peak during my session and Dr. John opened a drawer and took out a rubberband. I was instructed to snap my wrist every time I felt anxiety–and to remind myself that I am only hurting myself. Really? Well, believe it or not, it has been working. I had a few tense moments yesterday and snapped my wrist. Maybe it’s all in my head, but I felt better. Has anyone ever heard of this? My arm may be a res bruised stump by next week, but I am going to keep snapping and hope I snap out of my anxiety!

Living on the Edge of Night

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Mania, Mental Illness, Thoughts by

I recently reunited with someone I used to date four or five months ago. I feel weird about it, to be honest. We started off way back then very intensely, and bonded very quickly as lovers. But the coupling moved too fast, and we separated. I was also switching to a new med, Geodon, which wasn’t cutting it for me. I finally got off of it, back on Seroquel, and I am perceived as “more level.”

The first time we split I was heartbroken. My fear is that I might lose this pairing again. We are such great friends, but eventually the sex issue is going to arise. I had a problem with that last time–that and my snoring. I know it sounds very solvable, but these things can be major to some people. Well, probably they are major issues for most people.

The great thing is that my being bipolar is not an issue. But the smaller issues are the ones that worry me. I dont want to be exiled again alone. But I suppose I have to take that risk.