Category Archives: Resources

Rules of a Relationship.

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Mania, Mental Illness, Resources, Suicide, Uncategorized by

1. No one should ever place fault or blame.
2. Never compromise, always decide one way or the other. Compromises mean both parties are unsatisfied. Give in the next time you have a difference. Take turns being right.
3. Let the past die second by second. Do not bring up past events over and over.
4. Be Impeccable with your word. (The Four Agreements, the First.)
5. Don’t take things personally. (The Four Agreements, the Second.)
6. Walk away when you are filled with emotion. Come back and discuss when you are clear minded.
7. Don’t make assumptions. (The Four Agreements, the Third.)
8. Lose the sarcasm.
9. Don’t interrupt.
10. Always do your best. (The Four Agreements, the Fourth.)

Travis

Posted in Bipolar, Disability, Humor, Legal, Mania, Mental Illness, Resources, Suicide by

Travis is a man trapped in a woman’s body. He is also a good example of the effectiveness of psych meds. Outwardly when he first arrived at the halfway house where I volunteer, I thought he was female. He wears a tight spandex tank to conceal his breasts, and dresses and acts male. He refuses to be known in any way as a female, and prefers women sexually. Travis is not a lesbian, despite the fact that he is physically female. Travis is proof of mind over matter. He knew he was male at the age of 6 or 7 years, when he would pray to God to wake up as a little boy the next day. He fantasized that in the blink of an eye all his photos would change to male. But none of that ever happened.

And so at 23 years of age, he is bipolar, substance addicted and in many ways traumatized by his body. He reminds me of Chaz Bono. Despite all his challenges, on medication he is stable and goal oriented, and good company. We went to an NA meeting last night, and it was interesting. I am not sure I am an addict to anything, but I was there for Travis. All his peers in NA know him as a male. It’s amazing how the mind works. Just by choice and our frame of reference can we reimagine our entire gender. Makes me amazed at the power of the mind.

To you my readers, my deepest secrets…

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Humor, Mania, Mental Illness, Resources, Suicide, Thoughts by

It’s funny, but I am able to tell my deepest secrets to my readers. I feel like my closest friends do not even listen unless we make the whole story about them. And sometimes during my conversations with one or two of them, during my lowest points, he or she switches the topic back to him or her. Maybe I need friends who are better listeners, or maybe I need to be a better communicator. What are the rules of conversation? And do we always have to pay a psychologist to be our captive audience?

Five Days In Wonderland

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Mania, Mental Illness, Resources, Suicide, Thoughts by

Wow, it’s been five days since I have blogged. Well, I suppose I had to give my relationships a chance for a whole. I feel guilty, like I am escaping from my misery and that is just not allowed. Misery aside, I still have trouble feeling anything. Does anyone else feel like they are on the outside looking in? Does anyone else feel like he or she knows there is beauty and wonder in the world, but we just cannot seem to make it to Wonderland?

Was my journey into mania actually one that gave me a glimpse of Wonderland? I still utterly dread mornings. I still panic at the thought of what to do all day. I still wait for and wish for A CAUSE for some kind of effect. Why do bipolar people relish the rush of manic episodes? It’s a temporary lapse into madness for me–but I still have bulletproof emotional control. My psychologist says it is the meds.

I don’t know what has dimmed my emotions so much. I do feel other people’s pain, but I want to feel love as well. My current romantic interest is asking “what are we” and “where is this going” and I do not know how to answer. We have only been back dating for two weeks, so isn’t that a premature question? I feel FOR people, but I don’t feel the emotions toward them like I used to. I remember initially meeting people when I was manic. I seemed to fall in love very quickly, and very passionately! Is that a) normal b) bipolar over sensitivity or c) just careless?

Will I ever make it back I wonder.

The Agony of Not Knowing

Posted in Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Mania, Mental Illness, Resources by

I recently started dating someone whom I dated a few months ago. It’s different now, maybe more casual than I would like. I have begun to have strong feelings again, and with those come my paranoia. Is this person sneaking around on me? I always wonder if it’s real. I wonder if the feelings are mutual, and fear the sadness that may come if it fails. It really is agony now, not knowing.

Today he texted me while I was at the gym but made no invitation when I offered to stop by and see him. I get all sad, crazy, mixed up and queasy inside. I don’t like not knowing whete we stand. Are we dating again? Are we an item? Is this a second chance or just a casual friendship? The first time around it was he who was jealous of me (for no good reason) and now I feel like this time I am the jealous one. Is this my crazy bipolar mind?

I know what it is. I’m still in love with him. I never stopped loving him. How do I find out if it is mutual? You cannot just ASK someone that! That’s the part of not knowing that’s killing me. Not knowing if I am going to dive in head first and hit a bottom instead of floating with him. I have pop my rubberband now.