“We Never Gave Up on You.”

It’s amazing what time does to relationships. My mother just called me after her recovery from thyroid surgery. She is older, about 75, still very healthy and has maintained an in shape lifestyle. But the age still permeates her voice and the voice of my father. Time changes how we feel about relationships, but I do not think it necessarily changes the nature of relationships. My parents have both aged, but even with so much time passing, we still relate to each other in the same way. I am still somewhat reserved with my mother, and a bit frightened of my father. How could I be frightened of my father, you might ask?

When I was growing up as a young manic man, I was OCD about almost everything. I was a straight A student, not for my own satisfaction—but for the approval of my parents. I have two older sisters who were always the center of attention, so I did what I could to be noticed. Getting a B on anything in school absolutely devastated me. I sought perfection in everything I did to hopefully stave off the negative treatment by my father. Even so, with every triumph, I never really received anything but a passive glance.

Have you ever been in a situation, a job or some place where you did all the work, accomplished everything, and someone else took the credit? Have you ever stood by and realized you were so much better at what the task was, but they appeared to be the “end all” simply because they were the crowd favorite? Have you ever created the project beyond all projects and watched someone else take the credit without acknowledging your contribution? Well folks, as I have found out, with family and with anyone—that’s life. We don’t always get the credit. As bipolar people, we don’t always ask for it.

I don’t know if asking would have helped me as a child. My father really only cared to pay attention to me when he was in “discipline mode.” But even so, I have to accept who I am now. It is 40 years later and now I have to find a way to ask for what I need and want. We all have to ask for what we need. I wanted so much approval from my parents, but what I failed to realize is….I didn’t really need it. In their own way, they loved me anyway. They still do. After 4 years of no contact with them, I have reunited with them this week.

My mother said,”we never gave up on you. We don’t know what happened, but maybe one day we will.” I don’t know if I will tell them about being bipolar, if that will matter. I doubt it. But that takes time for me to accept. If only someone else would take the credit for that. But that’s me and I have to find a way to love myself somehow even though right now I feel like I don’t know how. It’s a day by day struggle. But we all have to try and find something to hang onto, and it shouldn’t be the approval of anyone else. If they didn’t give up on me, I have to try not to give up on myself.