1. No one should ever place fault or blame.
2. Never compromise, always decide one way or the other. Compromises mean both parties are unsatisfied. Give in the next time you have a difference. Take turns being right.
3. Let the past die second by second. Do not bring up past events over and over.
4. Be Impeccable with your word. (The Four Agreements, the First.)
5. Don’t take things personally. (The Four Agreements, the Second.)
6. Walk away when you are filled with emotion. Come back and discuss when you are clear minded.
7. Don’t make assumptions. (The Four Agreements, the Third.)
8. Lose the sarcasm.
9. Don’t interrupt.
10. Always do your best. (The Four Agreements, the Fourth.)
Category Archives: Anxiety
Protected: Lithium, really??
Protected: Monday, Monday
Travis Admitted
Well, Travis did not make it. After a few days I noticed him/her acting strangely and acting out. His Lithium was out and he scoffed at the idea of getting a refill so he lapsed back into his schizoaffective behavior. He made almost no sense to me after about three days off the pills and he was ejected from the halfway house. I don’t know if I will ever see him/her again. We had been going to Narcotics Anonymous meeting together and I found them interesting–a lot of bipolar people “outing” themselves at drug addiction meetings! Believe it or not, with all they have been through, they are shy and reserved about admitting to everyone in narcotics anonymous that they are Bipolar! Are they Bipolar because they have a drug addiction, or do they have a drug addiction because they are Bipolar? i don’t know. I know that somehow the rooms help me. I know that somehow the camaraderie involved and the people in the group and the entire activity of meeting is somehow comforting to me. I have not been back without Travis. I guess it’s going to take some time for me to get used to going to a meeting without him. I’m not sure if I’m an addict or not.
An so Travis is admitted to a mental health facility and I am still not admitted as an addict.
Today, Just Today, I Will Not Worry
I have been neglecting my mental catharsis here on my blog. A lot has been happening since MetLife sent me to Dr. Kristjan Olaffson, the quack who described my horrible mood swings as malingering.I sent my own letter to MetLife documenting many of his errors and mistakes, and they actually are letting me submit my own IME I paid for during my SSID hearings. So that leaves me hope that I will be okay.
Ive realized that we have to give ourselves one day a week to deny, forget and ignore all our issues, sleep late and play hooky from our mental illness. Tonight I am sitting on Fort Lauderdale beach on Sea Turtle watch guarding the nests which may hatch. It’s my one peaceful zen day when I leave my angst behind. The STOP volunteers (sea turtle oversight protection) cover miles of beaches to protect our oldest earth tenant. Sea turtles outlived even dinosaurs, living over 150 million years on earth. It is only now in the age of mankind that they are threatened with extinction.
It is peaceful now, but the night winds have started and the white surf caps are getting noisy. I have to remember the beach at night and helping something so much bigger than myself. I have to remember the smell, the feeling of the sand between my toes, and the sounds of the ocean and keep that with me during my bad times. But just for tonight, it’s all about the turtles.
The Test Trap and Malingering
It’s been two weeks since I have blogged. I have been waiting for the results of my second IME, which MetLife sent to my psychiatrist. My mood swings have been erratic and severe, knowing that the report will inevitably be negative so that MetLife can review my claim. And it was. The flim flam psychologist said my diagnosis is “malingering.” My own paychiatrist responded, supporting my case and reiterating my bipolar diagnosis. So now I wait. I wait with horrible anxiety.
I may have to hire Dell and Schaefer if Metllife plays games with me. I don’t know how this will play out. Has anyone else ever dealt with these quack IME doctors? The tests are all traps. If you score really high there is nothing wrong with you, and if you score too low, you are malingering! The whole test battery is a Catch-22. You lose either way! So I decided to write my own letter as I found incorrect facts in the report. He said I drove myself. I did not. One small lie-so what else did he interpolate?
I am tired of my friends like Diego saying “it will all work out.” That bull is what people say when they could care less about your life. So now I worry and wait.
Stuck in the Middle
I don’t think most people comprehend the bipolar personality. We are people of extremes, and when we are level headed in the middle we feel stuck. We fail to finish our manic projects, and we fear the onset of the blues. It has been hard, but i have learned to try and take things one day at a time. My mania had me thinking about everything in my future from retirement to an appointment next week. My depression has me avoiding thinking about anything next week or today. But the real truth is that when you’re stuck in the middle between mania and depression, you miss each extreme.
It is Tuesday and I have canceled my visit to the psychologist today. I think I need to take time to think about whether or not he’s really helping me. Yes, I do feel good when I leave there. But I still feel stuck in the middle. I still feel like he’s not digging or delving deep enough to get to some of the roots of my problems. I need to think about whether or not I need to go back to him.
My friend Wayne relapsed and is out looking for another halfway house. He is back on the bipolar road and stuck again. He is self medicating, vying for a high. Normal life for bipolar people can be agonizing.
To you my readers, my deepest secrets…
It’s funny, but I am able to tell my deepest secrets to my readers. I feel like my closest friends do not even listen unless we make the whole story about them. And sometimes during my conversations with one or two of them, during my lowest points, he or she switches the topic back to him or her. Maybe I need friends who are better listeners, or maybe I need to be a better communicator. What are the rules of conversation? And do we always have to pay a psychologist to be our captive audience?
Telling People What They Need to be Told
I’m so damn sick of my the bullshit I put up with a few of my friends. I try to always be a gentleman and take the high road, but I think at times that makes me wimpy. I think I need to call them on their unacceptable behaviors. At times I feel put upon and I am getting more irritated as time passes.
The guy I am dating always has to be a back seat driver. “It would be better if you turned here.” He constantly tells me what to do, where to turn and I need to tell him to shut the heck up. To boot, he is more often than not rude to waiters and waitresses and makes a scene in restaurants over their service. There are times when he has even “had to walk outside for a minute.” And yesterday, he ordered dessert, and when I moved it slightly toward me to take a bite, he had a tantrum. “Go ahead you eat it, go ahead.” His shoved it all the way across the table at me. I pushed it back to the middle. He shoved it back at me. And so on, a few times more. It was stupid. And I should have said so.
My friend Ashley now had a habit of not answering my calls politely. She has been sick lately and when I called she answered,”I have people here, whaddya need??” I replied, “nothing” and hung up. My first thought: what a bitch. She asks me why I call less frequently. I really need to tell her. “Dear friend, sometimes you are a real bitch.”
I guess there’s a limit to bipolar kindness. We are over sensitive people, who tend to let others trample us. My though for the week is to confront and release. I hope I can do it.
The Bipolar Journals 