Life in Transition

When I do my volunteer work at the rehab thrift, I meet and get to know many of the clients. Most come in to acquire the possessions they lost during their stay in jail. Many of them have lost almost everything but the clothes they were wearing when they were arrested. But despite all that they have lost, and all the crises they have endured, they still have hope.

My favorite days are when I get to visit with the clients one on one, to learn about their stories. Medications are delivered to me for them on a daily basis and then passed to the Director for morning administration. I now know that some of them got into their current situation by not knowing they were bipolar or schizophrenic. Jack, Tommy and Wayne are all downright blunt and honest: when we lack the proper care, we seek to escape our own minds.

Jack said that he could not endure the loneliness of living in a studio behind someone’s house. Tommy said when he started drinking excessively his father said “welcome to the family.” Wayne said he was out on the street to fend for himself after years of sexual abuse–at the age of 15. All of their experiences without help and treatment created a cycle of addiction for all of them.

It’s hard for me not to get emotionally involved. Despite all their past mistakes, I can still see how amazing they are for getting back on the right track. I hate living in my own rapidly churning mind. I dread the mania that drops off into malicious depression. I fear being alone. I am tempted just as they are to go out and get hammered. But it helps to know their bravery exists as a model for me. It helps to know we are all imperfect but still important. They are important and they matter, especially to me. Being with them has given me hope that we can all transition to something else. It may not be what we expect, but if we can manage day by day, we might survive our own mental issues. I gotta have hope like they do. I gotta know there is something better.

Are We Actually Stronger People?

Wow. A MUST READ FOR BIPOLAR PEOPLE. Hope!

http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/depressive-illness-the-curse-of-the-strong.html

A Spiritual Reader, Really?

The thrift where I volunteer attracts a lot of interesting people. Today, incidentally, was one of the strangest days I’ve ever had. Keep in mind yesterday was my manic day and the day before, and today I’m back in my feelings of dread and despair and depression. I’m hypersensitive to feelings. It’s just something that happens when I’m down. An interesting family entered the store. The woman looked around for a while and purchased a small tchotchke.

Not long after she leaned over the counter and looked me directly in the eye. “I’m a spiritual reader,” she said. “I can tell you something about yourself. Hold a $20 bill in your hand and make two wishes.” Uh no, I don’t think so. I am not sure what that was about, but somehow I knew I would lose that bill. So I told her I had no money. And she proceeded to ask me again, “okay then just make two wishes. ”

I wished for a relationship. I wished not to be sad and bipolar. “Now tell me one of your wishes, “she said. I thought that was strange. Shouldn’t she be able to tell me one of my wishes? She then proceeded to talk about my last partner and to tell me of my partner’s imminent return to me. Uh, no I don’t think so.

But that wasn’t the most amazing part of this encounter. She then told me I need a set of spiritual candles. I said, “what do the spiritual candles do and how many do I need. “She replied “oh the spiritual candles will help you balance yourself and fix your life. But I do have to charge you for the spiritual candles,” she said. “I will bring them the next time I visit you.”

“How many do I need, “I asked her.

“Nine, ” she replied.

“How much do they cost?”

“$10 each, “she said.

Sorry honey, I thought. I don’t even pay that much to my therapist. i found the entire encounter rather creepy. I think it’s amazing that someone would go around and try to sell candles to other people for $10 each and to tell them that these candles can fix them. But then I wonder, is it any different than the variety of pills I take that people tell me will fix me?

Faces of Mental Illness

Sometimes there is no rational explanation for mental illness. Fascinating account:

http://www.bandbacktogether.com/we-are-faces-mental-illness/

One Bright Moment

Houstin went back to jail yesterday. I called the halfway house to tell them I would not be there today with Dr.M at 4:15, and they told me the news. She was frantic when she called me yesterday, saying she could not live by the house rules or probation. Despite my attempts to help, when she arrived back at the halfway house there was a police officer waiting. She caused quite a bit of drama, so they took her back in. So I guess they didn’t understand her manic state. I wonder if I will ever see or hear from her again. I think she has a year now in jail. I wonder why God or the Universe put her in my life for only a few days. I miss her. She was the only person in years to actually not just to listen, but to HEAR me.

And on that note, I don’t even know where to begin with my new therapist today. The past four years are a muddy blur of mania, depression, medication and self-medication. I think I should start as of today, and what I think and feel now–and that will lead back to the roots of my mind.

My mother called me today. Both of my sisters are celebrating 25 and 31 years of marriage this week. It’s difficult to think that time has passed. I have had a zillion relationships in that time, and still I am alone. Does that make me a failure? I don’t know. Do people at age 48 still have a chance for love? Will I meet someone who can deal with me and my shadows? I hope so. Life right now is painfully lonely, waking up almost every day with sadness. Houstin was a bright moment that I needed. She gave me two days of peace. I pray she finds peace as well.

The Virtue of Doing Nothing…and Houstin

Today was a great day. I let everything go and just went to a doctor appointment and then to the beach. I didn’t lay out or anything, we just took a quiet drive along the coast. My anxiety did peak after I got a phone call from Houstin, my new friend from the rehab halfway house where I volunteer. She went AWOL after one day, telling me she was at a faraway bus stop. She said she could not bear to do her probation and live by the stringent rules of the transitional living house. I didn’t know what to say. It left me sad and lonely. We have such a great time yesterday, just eating dinner and watching Iron Man 3 in 3D. It was memorable. But I knew that she had to be back by curfew and so I respected that. We even popped into Starbucks for a coffee. It was so amazing to have a kindred spirit to listen to. She has the same difficulties as all of us bipolar people, and we bonded knowing we could help each other. I called the manager of the halfway house and he said “no harm done” and please ask her to come back. So I called her and did that. She said,”I’ll go back and they will send me back to jail.” I haven’t heard what happened yet.

Houstin is a transsexual and has lived through trying times. I have never experienced a person like her. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. I pray she is back and safe. I will call tomorrow and see if she has returned, or if they sent her back to jail. I hope not. I realized that I still have emotion even on all my medication. It was a glimmer of hope for me having such strong friend feelings after a few days. She even said “love you” and I did too.

Tomorrow is the appointment with the psychotherapist. He is the new guy I am going to. to see if he can help me get over the stress in my gut that I feel every morning. What to do, what to do…I need my passions back. I need to feel again. I need to be happy as I once was before. People like Houstin can help me find my way back.

How to Help an Old Friend?

My friend Steve and I lost contact last November. I never really knew why but I suppose he had his reasons. I tried several times to get back in touch with him, but no success. I met him at LA Fitness, and we started working out together and became good friends. He is on disability too from a motorcycle accident so we spent quite a bit of time together. After so many months, his girlfriend contacted me and he has had three seizures and is in a coma.

She wants information about his meds. But I really want to do more…and I’m wondering how? Still waiting for her call. I took the day off from volunteering just in case. But it doesn’t seem she knows about him being on psych meds. I suppose it’s my due diligence to tell her. Despite all this, I am free of anxiety and the blues today, a once a month luxury. I’m glad. I want to be able to help him. I’m just not sure how…

I Keep Hoping for the Old “Me”

Damn. The dread has returned again. I almost thought I had it beat. Like I would wake up after my 300 seroquel and “poof”, be as happy as when I first started it in August 2009. Wow. I just realized four years have passed on this drug. I never had the sick dread feeling back then. I was actually more like the old me. I used to pop out of bed happy no matter what the day had in store for me. Could it be that this pill no longer works for me? How long do people usually take seroquel? I don’t know.

But yes, I understand the concept of mixed mania and depression. It’s like hyper-sad-anxious-wound up…with a sick worry about everything…with me its that feeling of worthlessness. I am relieved to know I am not the only person who has this mixed mood swing. I have read several blogs

I’m trying to stuff food down simply for the sake of eating. I will be starving later at my volunteer work. At least I made a new friend with similar feelings. She is a transexual, believe it or not. I actually had no clue when I met her. She made the hormonal change before puberty so for the most part she never developed as a man. She is in the rehab program at my volunteer job. She is very cool and we really hit it off yesterday. She is going through similar mood swings as I am, so it’s nice to have the company. We are going to a movie tonight so maybe that will pull me out of this funk.

My Next Neuropsychological Evaluation from MetLife

Yep. Got the appointment today. After researching this type of I.M.E., I realized they are way more tests than I was given at the last IME. Apparently, she must have supported my disability case with Metlife or I would not be shuffling off to MIAMI OF ALL PLACES to get some other evaluation. However, interestingly enough, many of the tests are like connecting dots and 15 item recall—to see if you are faking symptoms. I think these are similar to the questions like “Who is the President?” designed to weed out people who fake their diagnosis. I don’t profess to have total memory loss for God’s sake. I do have significant concentration problems focusing on certain things.

Here is the link to the page that lists them all:

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/317596-overview#aw2aab6b4

Yes of course I googled each one of them. I’d be curious to know if anyone has been subjected to any of these tests. The letter from the moneymaking test scheduler company says the examination may take “several hours” so I assume I will be completely inundated with tests designed to assess my bipolar disorder. Makes me sick to my stomach.

On the plus side I have an appointment after my friend with her psychotherapist on Tuesday…so I will present the letter to him and see how he says I should react to all this. I think they are just trying to make me jump through hoops. I do not intend to exaggerate my symptoms, I just am honest that I am bipolar.

What Are We to Become?

I’m only 48 years old. My bipolar meltdown was only 4 years ago. I lost my dream job and went on a private long term disability. I lost my savings thanks to my manic episodes. My pdoc doped me up to keep me alive and stable. And for a time, I was happy just going to Starbucks and reading. But now, four years later, I am screaming inside my head: WHAT IS TO BECOME OF ME?

What do I do now? I want more than this. I want a “thing” again. I want a passion again, something that my manic energy can feed on. My meds seem to be working, but I have so much trouble focusing. I still cannot read a book to the end. I want to maybe take the realtor’s course and the state exam…but I doubt myself still. I used to be so sure of myself…how do I get that back? I have a Master’s degree…and yet I still feel unsure of myself.

I don’t want life to just pass me by. I want to leave some kind of mark. It eats at my self esteem every day. I guess I defined my life by my old career. What am I without it? That’s what I keep thinking.